The Useful Postman takes his job seriously. When he can’t deliver a package, instead of hiding it in the bins, or returning it to the depot a long way away, he finds a way into the premise (via ingenuity, lock picking, &c), and ensures it arrives at its destination. If there’s assembly required, he’ll build it. Ordered some cat bowls from Amazon? He’ll assemble them, and fill them with cat food and water. Ordered a TV? It’ll be set up, tuned, just right (he might even take away your old one).
Tension will come primarily from the fear of his discovery, and later arrest as less grateful recipients call in the police: how will he evade them? How will explain himself if caught? Can the police even hold the Useful Postman? (An episode where he is arrested wrongly on another charge, sent to jail, and then escapes to deliver a package before returning himself to jail, un-missed would be fun.) The Useful Postman’s colleagues would also get suspicious, and suspect theft when he never returns an item to the depot. He might occasionally take revenge on his less dedicated colleagues, who steal mail, or throw it into a field instead of delivering it.
- The Useful Postman: someone in the terrible grip of Compulsive Obsessive Disorder, viced tight into his mission to deliver every single package. He is clearly skilled at DIY, has a deep knowledge of locks and alarm systems, perhaps he was an intelligence operative who burned out? Perhaps a physicist who lost his sanity working on his PhD? Perhaps he is really just a very dedicated postman who wasn’t socialised enough as a child?
- An Attractive Girl who has an issue with mail order, and can’t understand how everything she orders arrives, and is assembled, or put away, waiting for her when she gets home. She ultimately catches the Useful Postman, but realises he can’t help himself, is harmless and becomes his friend. (She is also a window through which the audience can be granted insight into the mind of the Useful Postman, and a hook to get an audience attracted to Attractive Girls.)
- The Useful Postman’s Colleagues, who would be very different to him.
- The Recipients. Some grateful, some angry, all mystified. Comedy would in part come from their interactions with the call centres of the dispatchers: “I ordered it, but it hasn’t turned up and oh… wait… never mind. Honey did you open my Bing Bang Theory box set?”
I can’t wait for someone to approach me for the rights to it, which are mine as of well at least half an hour ago. Copyright Ze Stuart 2011!